Colin Farrell's newest sex tape was even more embarrassing than the original
FADE IN:
EXT. CGI GLOBE
OPENING TEXT
At the end of the 21st century, global
chemical warfare left the planet nearly
uninhabitable. Living space is now
Earth's most valuable resource. Except
for our blue-collar hero, Colin Farrell.
He gets a pretty sweet multi-room
apartment.
The GLOBE OSCILLATES, FOCUSING in on KEY LANDMASSES.
OPENING TEXT
Only two territories remain: the United
Federation of Britain and Australia, which
we'll call 'the Colony' to reinforce the
probably-deserved stereotype that
Australia is a convict wasteland. Also,
even though this movie is set less than
one hundred years from now and is set in
Britain and Australia, don't panic:
everyone talks 'Murican!
CUT TO:
INT. COLIN FARRELL'S PRETTY SWEET MULTI-ROOM APARTMENT
COLIN FARRELL awakens from a DEFINITELY NOT A FLASHBACK DREAM involving
JESSICA BIEL, KILLER ROBOTS and LIGHTS that seem to exist only to
trigger EPILEPTIC FITS.
COLIN FARRELL
Ahh! Dear God, what a terrible dream!
KATE BECKINSALE
Another nightmare, honey?
COLIN FARRELL
The same one. I'm trapped in a cynical
and unnecessary remake of a goofy sci-fi
classic. It was horrible!
KATE BECKINSALE
Oh, sweetie, don't worry. Just lie back
and relax as the news broadcast drip-feeds
the entire plot to the audience.
KATE BECKINSALE leaves for work. COLIN FARRELL allows the LENS FLARE to
glisten off his ABS a little longer, then watches the NEWS.
NEWS ANCHOR
This just in: another terrorist attack was
committed by BILL NIGHY -
The TELEVISION flashes a picture of BILL NIGHY.
NEWS ANCHOR
-which prompted condemnation from
Chancellor BRYAN CRANSTON-
The TELEVISION flashes a picture of BRYAN CRANSTON.
NEWS ANCHOR
-but Bill Nighy's RIGHT HAND MAN remains
at large!
The TELEVISION SCREEN remains blank. What a mystery!
CUT TO:
EXT. STOLEN BLADE RUNNER SET
COLIN FARRELL mopes his way through a very familiar ASIAN-EUROPEAN
HYBRID SCI-FI BACKDROP. Somewhere, RIDLEY SCOTT picks up his PHONE and
calls his LAWYERS.
ADVERTISEMENT
Hey, you! Do you want a dubious solution
to your existential angst? Call Rekall,
we'll put memories in your head!
COLIN FARRELL
Hmm, that's actually a profound idea: the
commodification of our memories and
experiences.
TERRIFIED of stumbling across an interesting point from the source
material, the FILM rapidly cuts away to another scene.
CUT TO:
EXT. SERIOUSLY, I THINK THEY STOLE THE BLADE RUNNER SET
COLIN FARRELL meets up with his buddy, BOKEEM WOODBINE.
BOKEEM WOODBINE
Hey Colin, ready to go to work?
COLIN FARRELL
Bokeem, is that you? There's so much
goddamn lens flare on the screen, I think
J.J. Abrams may have jizzed on the film
reel.
BOKEEM WOODBINE
Oh, Colin. You're so fresh. Let's banter
awkwardly to reveal our complete lack of
chemistry!
COLIN FARRELL
Actually, let's not, it'll cut into my
opportunities to look pained and slightly
constipated.
BOKEEM WOODBINE
Fair enough. How about we travel to work
on this gravity elevator which travels
through the centre of the earth?
COLIN FARRELL
You know, it's funny. I read a book once
that seemed to suggest the centre of the
earth was, you know, molten or something.
I wouldn't have thought you could build a
subway through it.
BOKEEM WOODBINE
Well, as long as later you don't have to
do any fight scenes OUTSIDE the elevator,
where you'd be instantly incinerated, I'm
sure you'll be gravy!
They HIGH-FIVE.
CUT TO:
EXT. ...IS THIS EVEN LEGAL?
COLIN FARRELL walks to REKALL, but not before getting accosted by a
WOMAN WITH THREE BOOBS.
MULTI-BREASTED WOMAN
Is this what you're looking for?
COLIN FARRELL
Well, there's no mutant sub-plot in this
remake, so your surplus knockers will be
A) completely nonsensical for people who
didn't see the original and B) a sad
reminder that - and I'll never say this
again, ever - the Schwarzenegger film made
more sense.
MULTI-BREASTED WOMAN
Your arguments have some merit. However,
to rebut your position: three boobs.
COLIN FARRELL
Good point.
CUT TO:
INT. REKALL OFFICES
COLIN FARRELL meets with his REKALL engineer, JOHN CHO.
COLIN FARRELL
OK, John, fix me up with an awesome memory
about being a secret agent. And I swear,
if I wake up thinking I want to go to
White Castle, I'll end you.
JOHN CHO
No problem, dude.
COLIN FARRELL
These memories, though; they're not real,
are they?
JOHN CHO
What is real? Perception is just chemical
signals interpreted by your brain-
COLIN FARRELL
Whoa, whoa, ease up there, Laurence
Fishburne. Let's not rape and pillage
every sci-fi film in existence. Just
start the procedure, already!
The PROCEDURE GOES WRONG (though not as entertainingly as the original).
CHANCELLOR BRYAN CRANSTON'S STORMTROOPERS enter and KILL JOHN CHO!
COLIN FARRELL
Wait, don't shoot! This is a
misunderstanding!
STORMTROOPER
Alright, we won't shoot.
COLIN FARRELL
Well, this is awkward. I guess this is
the end of the film unless I FREAK OUT AND
KILL EVERYONE WHILE THE CAMERA GOES
BATSHIT CRAZY!
He DOES! And IT DOES! COLIN FARRELL escapes through a HOLE in the
FLOOR which exists for REASONS.
CUT TO:
INT. COLIN FARRELL'S PRETTY SWEET MULTI-ROOM APARTMENT
COLIN FARRELL
Kate Beckinsale, you have to help me! I
killed a horde of armed men, there's
something hidden inside my brain and I
indirectly caused the death of Mr Sulu!
KATE BECKINSALE
It's OK, Colin. Just hug me and
everything will be fine.
KATE BECKINSALE hugs COLIN FARRELL tight, then stares into the middle
distance with STEELY DETERMINATION.
COLIN FARRELL
...are you trying to smother me against
your boobs?
KATE BECKINSALE
(sudden British accent)
Yes. I admit, I didn't think this
through. Anyway, die!
COLIN FARRELL and KATE BECKINSALE beat each other up. COLIN FARRELL
wins, because KATE BECKINSALE is not GINA CARANO.
COLIN FARRELL
Kate Beckinsale, why are you trying to
kill me?! And why are you suddenly
talking like you're from foggy London
Town?!
KATE BECKINSALE
I'm not your wife. I'm an undercover
agent of the villainous British Empire,
sent to monitor you because apparently
they don't have CCTV in the future.
COLIN FARRELL
Crap, I'd better get out of here. Richter
will be bursting through that door any
moment -
KATE BECKINSALE
There's no Richter.
COLIN FARRELL
No Richter?
KATE BECKINSALE
No Richter. The director wrote out a list
of the most popular bits of the original
film worth preserving for the remake,
spilled coffee all over it, and could only
make out "triple-breasted woman".
COLIN FARRELL
But...but...who's going to see me at the
party?
KATE BECKINSALE punches THE AIR NEXT TO COLIN FARRELL some more,
prompting COLIN FARRELL to RUN AWAY!
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY
COLIN FARRELL runs and runs and runs.
COLIN FARRELL
Let's recreate a blander version of the
tracking-bug-in-the-nose scene from the
original!
COLIN FARRELL runs some more.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL
COLIN FARRELL
Let's recreate a blander version of the
video-message-from-myself scene from the
original!
Deciding not to buck an emerging trend, COLIN FARRELL runs away.
CUT TO:
INT. CUSTOMS
COLIN FARRELL
Let's recreate a blander version of the
"two-weeks" scene from the original -
JESSICA BIEL turns up in a HOVERCAR.
JESSICA BIEL
Colin, let's get out of here!
COLIN FARRELL
Oh, thank God.
JESSICA BIEL
I've been looking for you everywhere,
Colin. I'm your love interest from when
you were a reformed dick. Thank goodness
I knew exactly where to pick you up from,
even though we've clearly established that
I didn't know what your plan was, your
plan was entirely improvised and, in any
event, a complete cock-up.
COLIN FARRELL
Kate Beckinsale and her band of CGI robots
will hound me wherever I run! I've got to
get my ass to Mars -
JESSICA BIEL
No Mars.
COLIN FARRELL
No Mars? Seriously?
JESSICA BIEL
List. Coffee. Be glad you got the
tri-tittied extra.
COLIN FARRELL
Well, I guess some more prefab white and
gunmetal grey interiors will have to do.
*Sigh*
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING
More vapid soul-searching and tail-chasing ensues. Eventually, COLIN
FARRELL and JESSICA BIEL find COLIN FARRELL'S original apartment. COLIN
FARRELL sits down in front of his old PIANO.
COLIN FARRELL
Hmm. Perhaps playing the piano will
inject this film with an artificial sense
of dignity.
COLIN PLAYS, triggering another VIDEO RECORDING of PAST COLIN FARRELL!
PAST COLIN FARRELL
(Actual line)
Hello, Colin. This recording has limited
interactive capability.
COLIN FARRELL
But it's a recording. That makes no sense
whatsoever.
PAST COLIN FARRELL
I will begin by recording an answer to any
questions you may have for me about
aardvarks.
COLIN FARRELL and JESSICA BIEL run from the apartment, but are
surrounded by STORMTROOPERS - and BOKEEM WOODBINE!
BOKEEM WOODBINE
Colin, as your magical black friend, I've
been sent inside your damaged mind to help
you. You can't trust Jessica Biel's
judgment - she's not real.
JESSICA BIEL
Don't trust Bokeem's judgement! He was in
a M Night Shyamalan film! The most recent
one!
BOKEEM WOODBINE
You're not really here, you're still back
at Rekall! I'm not invested in the
outcome of this - none of this is real.
COLIN FARRELL
Seriously? You're wearing a BULLET-PROOF
MOTHERFUCKING VEST.
BOKEEM WOODBINE
Er... it's a futuristic fashion
statement?
COLIN shoots BOKEEM and runs.
CUT TO:
INT. REBEL BASE
JESSICA BIEL
Alright, Colin. I feel like we've really
gotten close to each other in the past few
hours. Running from Kate Beckinsale,
running from robots, shooting Bokeem
Woodbine...
COLIN FARRELL
It's been an emotional rollercoaster.
JESSICA BIEL
I couldn't agree more. So I finally trust
you enough to take you to Bill Nighy.
COLIN reaches the REBEL BASE, populated with GRIMY DREADLOCKED ETHNIC
MINORITIES and BILL NIGHY.
BILL NIGHY
Hello, Colin. Why are you here?
COLIN FARRELL
Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want
to look at your belly, but...
BILL NIGHY
But you already know the truth, don't you?
COLIN FARRELL
No gross animatronic fetus puppet?
BILL NIGHY
I'm sorry, son. Disappointments all
round. Let's just go through some more
'Matrix' theory-of-consciousness bullshit
and strap you into another memory machine.
COLIN FARRELL is strapped into another CHAIR and MEMORY-PROBED.
Suddenly, CHANCELLOR BRYAN CRANSTON'S TRAP is SPRUNG and the HEROES are
CAPTURED!
CHANCELLOR BRYAN
CRANSTON
Hello, Bill Nighy.
BILL NIGHY
Cranston! You boundless reservoir of
rubber-faced slapstick or simmering rage,
depending on what the role calls for!
CHANCELLOR BRYAN
CRANSTON
I can't believe you fell for my scheme,
Nighy. The old
wipe-an-elite-solider's-memory-then-leave-
him-in-a-dead-end-job-until-he-leads-me-to
-the-rebel-leader-in-the-vain-hope-that-hi
s-memory-won't-be-reactivated-by-a-common-
medical-procedure-triggering-a-massive-cha
se-and-counterintuitive-attempts-by-rogue-
agents-to-kill-said-sleeper-agent trick.
Oldest trick in the book! Anyway, I've
got a joke for you. Say "knock knock".
BILL NIGHY
Uh... knock knock?
CHANCELLOR BRYAN
CRANSTON
I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!
CRANSTON shoots BILL NIGHY.
JESSICA BIEL
No!
CHANCELLOR BRYAN
CRANSTON
Perfect. Now, plug Colin Farrell back
into the machine and turn him into a dick
again. I'm going to go assault all of
Bill Nighy's remaining bases, leaving me
free to plunder all of Australia's
precious natural resources: living space,
alcoholism and Hugh Jackman!
CRANSTON leaves. Immediately, COLIN FARRELL escapes and kills EVERYONE.
COLIN FARRELL
It's good to know that even in the future,
evil dictators feel the need to excuse
themselves from the room before the heroes
are conclusively dispatched.
CUT TO:
EXT. HANGAR
COLIN FARRELL kills his way to BRYAN CRANSTON with ADMITTINGLY
IMPRESSIVE SPEED.
CHANCELLOR BRYAN
CRANSTON
Alright, that's it. You may have killed
legions of highly-trained guards,
armour-plated robots and living weapons,
but can you handle...a middle-aged
politician?!
COLIN FARRELL and BRYAN CRANSTON fight. It is, quite frankly,
EMBARRASSING.
CHANCELLOR BRYAN
CRANSTON
You could have had it all, Colin! Money,
power, all the Kate Beckinsale you wanted!
COLIN FARRELL
NEVER! ...wait, does she still have that
leather bodysuit from 'Underworld'?
CHANCELLOR BRYAN
CRANSTON
No, I think she had to give that back.
COLIN FARRELL
Then NEVER!
COLIN FARRELL kills BRYAN CRANSTON. Something BLOWS UP for COLIN to
jump away from.
CUT TO:
INT. MEDIBAY
COLIN wakes up being treated by JESSICA BIEL.
"JESSICA BIEL"
Surprise! I'm Kate Beckinsale in
disguise! I used the holographic whatever
from earlier in the film to get close to
you!
COLIN FARRELL
You do know I was just unconscious, right?
You could have been dressed in a clown
suit and I wouldn't have noticed.
KATE BECKINSALE
Well, shoot.
COLIN FARRELL
If you insist!
COLIN FARRELL kills KATE BECKINSALE. The REAL JESSICA BIEL turns up and
HUGS COLIN.
JESSICA BIEL
We did it! Cranston is dead! Now we can
begin the violent and painful process of
deposing the remaining nine-tenths of his
murderous dictatorship, no doubt resulting
in thousands of deaths and untold
destruction.
COLIN FARRELL
I guess I would have caused significantly
less pain and suffering if I had remained
a bad guy. How funny is that!
They HIGH-FIVE.
END