"Uh, Thor? I think we let our street hockey game get a little out of hand."
This script was featured on Cracked.com, so you can also read it there.
FADE IN:
EXT. INTERGALACTIC COSMIC HOLLYWOOD BASEMENT
SHADOWY ALIEN FIGURES in IMPLAUSIBLE OUTFITS are talking to each other
OMINOUSLY.
SHADOWY FIGURE
You must invade Earth for us, Probably Tom
Hiddleston. It's getting pretty cramped
here in my mother's b- I mean, the
vastness of galactic space. We'll give
you an army of reptilian things and a
stick that does whatever you need it to do
at that exact given moment.
PROBABLY TOM
HIDDLESTON
A lizard army and free sinister new tools?
Geez, I should fall into never-ending
chasms more often.
Everyone in the AUDIENCE tries as hard as possible to ignore how similar
this opening scene is to GREEN LANTERN.
EXT. TOP SECRET UNDERGROUND FACILITY
CLARK GREGG immediately establishes his mid-level badassery by WEARING
SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON arrives, immediately establishes his
high-level badassery by WEARING A TRENCHCOAT AND EYEPATCH
SIMULTANEOUSLY, and walks briskly next to COBIE SMULDERS.
SAMUEL L.
MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
I just got off the phone with the
president, care to tell me how I should
explain to him that our top secret
military thing-that-we-found turned itself
on all by itself, itself!?
COBIE SMULDERS
Wait, did we get a Michael Bay script by
accident? Is there an asteroid headed for
Earth?
SAMUEL L.
MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Nah, that's just writer/director Joss
Whedon dialogue. Funny when it's trying
to be funny, hilarious when it's trying to
be serious.
They investigate their MYSTERIOUS BLUE CUBE, which decides to start
shooting RANDOM CGI WISPS EVERYWHERE at that exact moment.
SAMUEL L.
MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Where the hell is Jeremy Renner? If an
archery target comes out of that thing, I
want to be ready.
COBIE SMULDERS
Oh, he's up in his NEST, you know how he
hates to be CAGED. Just CRANE your neck
up, see?
(pause)
The guy didn't get his own movie, alright?
This is the best we can do.
JEREMY comes down off his PERCH to talk to COBIE, SAMUEL, and STELLAN
SKARSGARD.
JEREMY RENNER
As the only person unqualified to make
this observation, I'd like to point out
that the cube is a door, and doors open
both ways, except for the kinds of doors
that only open one way.
SUDDENLY, TOM HIDDLESTON emerges from a PORTAL carrying his MAGIC STICK.
TOM HIDDLESTON
Muahaha, bow before me, puny man-animals!
I am Loki, wearer of impossibly ridiculous
helmets!
TOM quickly WRECKS EVERYONE'S SHIT in a frantic effort to prove that he
will later be a match for FOUR WALKING SUPERWEAPONS, despite looking
like a SCRAWNY BRITISH FANCY MAN.
TOM HIDDLESTON
Let's see - who should I brainwash? Film
convention assures me that the scientist
with the foreign accent will be useful for
tech bullshit, and Jeremy Renner has
heart, which should be useful for...
heart-related villainy.
TOM takes the BLUE CUBE, uses his SCEPTRE to enslave JEREMY and STELLAN,
then ESCAPES!
COBIE SMULDERS
So we open with the bad guy from "Thor"
stealing the device from "Captain America"
from the mysterious government agents from
"Iron Man 2", eh?
SAMUEL L.
MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
It's better than the original idea, just
opening with a title card saying "if you
didn't watch our other movies, fuck you."
INT. TOP SECRET RUSSIAN CRIME HIDEOUT
SCARLETT JOHANSSON is tied up, being interrogated by RANDOM RUSSIAN
DUDES.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Am I tied to this chair so that I can't
strike a self-aware, sexy pose every four
seconds? Because it won't work.
SCARLETT escapes the chair and beats everyone up while being ATTRACTIVE.
RANDOM RUSSIAN BAD GUY
Did you just punch me with your hair?
(dies)
CLARK GREGG
(on phone)
Agent Johansson, we have a situation. A
nigh-invulnerable demigod has attacked our
world, and he stole a blue MacGuffin
and... a foreign scientist.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Oh my God. The foreign scientist will do
tech bullshit to the cube and destroy
everything!
CLARK GREGG
Don't worry, we've sent a guy on 1940s
steroids with a buckler shield to bring
him in. Just in case that fails, though,
we need you to bring in Mark Ruffalo.
He's the new Hulk because apparently
Edward Norton is a detestable cunt to work
with.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
What about you, Agent Gregg?
CLARK GREGG
I'm off to get Robert Downey Jr. My bland
everyman persona makes me the perfect
candidate for recruiting a smug,
self-aware alcoholic.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Then I'll get right on it. Just as soon
as I change into a slightly tighter
leather outfit, this one doesn't quite
show the outline of my sphincter.
EXT. INDIA
SCARLETT tracks down MARK RUFFALO effortlessly, demolishing the plot of
the last movie with a throwaway crack about always knowing where he is.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Mark, we need you to join The Avengers
initiative. It's based off Mark Millar's
"The Ultimates" comic book series.
MARK RUFFALO
Oh, so it has husband-and-wife heroes Wasp
and Giant Man, where Giant Man beats the
shit out of his wife and attacks her using
an army of ants?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Well, no...
MARK RUFFALO
Okay, but I assume brother-and-sister duo
Quicksilver and The Scarlet Witch show up
for about 10 seconds to subtly imply they
are fucking, right?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Er, no. Jesus, no.
MARK RUFFALO
Oh. So just the part about Nick Fury
being a black guy?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Yes!
INT. FANCY PARTY - GERMANY
TOM HIDDLESTON shows up and uses his ASGARDIAN EYE STRUCTURE HOLOGRAPHIC
DEVICE SPECIFICALLY FOR EYES to break into a place and get some
UNOBTANIUM.
TOM HIDDLESTON
Bow before me! I may be a god, but I have
incredibly low self-esteem and I require
the worship of beings I claim to be as
insignificant as ants! Now I shall
illustrate my power by murdering the
weakest, oldest man here!
Suddenly, CHRIS EVANS shows up and STOPS HIM.
CHRIS EVANS
Tom, your behavior tonight is worthy of a
dryly-delivered, understated quip!
TOM HIDDLESTON
Where the hell did you come from? You
clearly didn't parachute in, and I would
have heard a jet above me. Whatever, do
you really think you can stop me?
CHRIS EVANS
Stop you? I just want to stand next to
someone wearing a more ridiculous outfit
than me. I'm pretty sure I'm in a blue
spandex hoodie.
They FIGHT for a while and CHRIS gets PUMMELED, quickly establishing his
worthiness as LEADER, just before he is rescued by ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Hey, I heard you guys were trying to trade
humorous barbs. Whedon saved all those
for me, knock it off. Chris, you look
like a big blue penis, har har!
The HEROES decide to bring TOM HIDDLESTON back to their BASE, because
apparently DUE PROCESS applies to TRICKSTER GODS as well. Suddenly,
CHRIS HEMSWORTH shows up and chastises TOM.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
I have come to stop you, brah!
(pause)
Er, I mean, do I look to be in a gaming
mood? Betwixt! Verily!
TOM HIDDLESTON
Brother, it must have taken every ounce of
the All-father's hurberble to plugurble
you back to Earth. Let's discuss it no
more.
Suddenly, HEMSWORTH, EVANS, and ROBERT look around and notice it's their
first on-screen appearance together.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Quick, someone think of a super contrived
reason for us to fight!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I'll fight you because you want to fight
your brother, who I also want to fight!
CHRIS EVANS
And I'll fight you both because I want you
to stop fighting!
They proceed to act out their STATS from THE AVENGERS COLLECTIBLE
TRADING CARD GAME and establish they are all EXACTLY EQUAL IN POWER,
somehow. Guy on steroids, genius in a robot suit, invincible deity:
basically identical.
CHRIS EVANS
Hang on a second, your hammer has
decimated everything you've ever hit with
it, you had no way of knowing my shield or
Robert's armor would protect us. Did you
just attempt to straight-up murder us?
Don't change the scene, I want an answer
to thi--
INT. S.H.I.E.L.D. AIR BASE
EVANS, HEMSWORTH, DOWNEY, RUFFALO, JOHANSSON, and SAMUEL L.
MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON bring TOM HIDDLESTON aboard and lock him in a
TUBE.
COBIE SMULDERS
Welcome to our new operations center in
the sky. Because when dealing with alien
technology you don't understand, the only
place to be when it malfunctions that's
better than miles below ground is miles
above it!
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Bad ass home base guys, I like that the
thing that your aircraft land on is also
aircraft, you ever consider giving your
pilots jetpacks too?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Listen, we need to get Jeremy Renner back,
I guarantee everyone watching is all like
"awww man, where's Hawkeye? He's my
favorite!"
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Unfortunately, we're unable to make
progress because we all instantly hate
each other for no particular reason!
CHRIS EVANS
And I seem to hate you most of all,
annoyed that you're so arrogant despite
being just a regular man with a powerful
suit, ignoring the irony that my powers
came out of a syringe and my only weapon
was made by your father.
MARK RUFFALO
Wow, you guys are all really unlikeable
dicks. Oh hey, I see where "The
Ultimates" comes in now!
SAMUEL L.
MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Enough is enough! I've had it with these
motherfucking snarks on this motherfucking
helicarrier! All of you, prepare to
immediately face an enemy that requires
you to see past your differences and work
together!
SAMUEL storms out, narrowly missing obstacles.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I don't trust that guy. I think he wants
to use the Blue Cube to build a nuclear
deterrent, which upsets me even though the
exact same argument was made against my
suit in my last movie.
CHRIS EVANS
Look, I know you don't trust the
government, but I insist we follow the
orders of our superiors. Unless they
decide to force superheroes to register
with them, in which case you and I will
completely swap viewpoints.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Well I trust them completely, I know they
escorted Natalie Portman to safety because
they put her headshot on a monitor and
spent the time to explain why her contract
negotiations fell through.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
We'll find out soon enough, I've set my
phone to automatically hack the top-secret
government agency's entire computer
network, which is supposed to make me look
smart but in fact makes the government
look idiotic.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
You can do that? You've never hacked any
actresses' cellphones, have you?
Everyone continues BICKERING so SCARLETT JOHANSSON goes to interrogate
TOM HIDDLESTON.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Tom, I'm here to manipulate you into
revealing your purpose on this ship, which
I will do by unloading tons of
apparently-true backstory about myself.
TOM HIDDLESTON
Do you divulge this much information to
all your enemies? For a veteran spy,
you're pretty green.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Green? You fool, you've given everything
away, I know you came here to unleash Mark
Ruffalo's alter ego!
TOM HIDDLESTON
You realize that Mark Ruffalo was
literally the only thing I talked about to
Sam Jackson, right?
Suddenly, JEREMY RENNER attacks and MARK RUFFALO turns into GREEN MARK
RUFFALO. CHRIS HEMSWORTH fights him while SCARLETT shits her UNITARD.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I need to go manually fix the engines of
this helicarrier so we don't all die!
Evans, demonstrate your value to the team
by pulling a red lever when I ask, and
occasionally shooting bad guys with the
same gun that any old dipshit can use!
CHRIS EVANS
So Joss Whedon kind of hates Captain
America, huh?
GREEN MARK RUFFALO fucks everything royally UP. Meanwhile, TOM
HIDDLESTON escapes!
TOM HIDDLESTON
Mwa-ha-ha! At last, I have unleashed a
force powerful enough to stop me! Mine is
the truly greatest mind in supervilliany!
CLARK GREGG
Not so fast, Tom. I'm going to use this
weapon to st--
(stabbed)
TOM HIDDLESTON
Haw haw, you've been Whedoned!
CLARK GREGG
It's alright, I still have a chance to
exposit precisely what narrative function
my death serves: this will be of such
shocking emotional impact that it brings
the entire team together.
(dies)
TOM HIDDLESTON
I think you might have overinflated your
importance, Agent Whatshisname.
Amazingly, he HAS NOT. TOM ESCAPES but SCARLETT punches JEREMY RENNER
in the brain, which cures SCEPTRE MAGIC.
INT. HELICARRIER BRIDGE
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON delivers a heartwarming speech about
togetherness, the foundation of which is CLARK GREGG'S mancrush on CHRIS
EVANS.
CHRIS EVANS
Well, now that someone has died due to our
egomania and tardiness, I feel like we can
finally call ourselves the Avengers and
validate our namesake. Teamwork!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
My Random Quip Generator got damaged in
the last fight, so yeah, I'm in.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
I shall assist, mainly because I'm stuck
here on Earth without the Blue Cube, but
also, more importantly, because I'm stuck
here on Earth without the Blue Cube.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
You're going to need a strong female
character down there. My boobs will hold
her position open until she arrives, and I
can use my pistol which will be of
absolutely no use whatsoever, I don't even
know why I'm bringing it.
JEREMY RENNER
And don't worry everyone, Hawkeye is back,
ready to shoot an arrow at something in
case we run out of bullets!
EXT. NEW YORK CITY
TOM HIDDLESTON uses the BLUE CUBE to open a PORTAL to ALIEN ROCK WORLD,
unleashing tons of LIZARD MONSTER GUYS and a few GIANT TURTLE ROBOT
MONSTERS.
TOM HIDDLESTON
Foolish mortals, I shall destroy all of
your cars! Everyone get out of the way, I
don't want you to get hurt when I explode
all of your cars!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Something something avenge the world.
Good, I think that's enough awkward
sandwiching in of the word "Avengers" to
justify the title. Let's do it!
DOWNEY, HEMSWORTH, JOHANSSON, RUFFALO, RENNER, and UNCONVINCING CGI
CHRIS EVANS drop in and start killing the ALIENS, who don't resemble
humans enough to earn an R rating.
CHRIS EVANS
Alright guys, there's no time for any of
that boring character development
nonsense, let's get on with the
asskickery!
MARK RUFFALO
Sweet, another 40 minutes of nonstop
action, just like Transformers 3, except
AWESOME amiright fellas?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Wait, nerds like this? It's just another
overlong brainless action scene like in
every other movie. Complete spectacle
over substance, same old formula.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Oh come on, can't you just turn your brain
off for 2 hours and enjoy some
entertainment?
JEREMY RENNER
What?! That's exactly what people say
about garbage like Fast and Furious and
Transformers before you nerds tell them
Michael Bay sodomized your childhoods!
What the hell makes this any different?
MARK RUFFALO
JOSS WHEDON IS ONE OF US!
MARK, enraged, transforms into GREEN MARK!
GREEN MARK RUFFALO
GREEN MARK SUDDENLY CAPABLE OF
DISTINGUISHING FRIENDS FROM FOES!
RRRRRAGGGGGHHHHH!
The 6 HEROES pair up in all 15 POSSIBLE COMBINATIONS to KICK ASS, slowly
exhausting every SPECIAL MOVE from MARVEL: ULTIMATE ALLIANCE 2.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Stellan Skarsgard, your foreign-ness and
scienceitude have doomed us all!
STELLAN SKARSGARD
Wait, Scarlett, in my hypnotic state I
managed to build a thing into the thing,
so you can close the portal!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Not before I throw this nuclear missile
through it and blow up the alien
mothership!
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Since S.H.I.E.L.D.'s nuke is the very
thing that saves us, doesn't this kind of
invalidate your earlier criticism that
building weapons out of the Blue Cube
would be reckless?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Entirely, and it also makes you wonder why
we didn't do it sooner to avoid destroying
half the city fighting the aliens
one-on-one!
The NUKE destroys the ALIEN MOTHERSHIP by exploding. In SPACE.
All of the INVADING REPTILE MONSTERS instantly DROP DEAD, because
they're also ROBOTS or SOMETHING.
INT. S.H.I.E.L.D. AIR BASE
THE AVENGERS win everything. REPORTERS allude to possible sequel ideas
and that GIRL FROM WHAT WOMEN WANT appears for 4 seconds to evaluate her
career.
Meanwhile, SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON meets with a shadowy group of
conspirators via satellite.
SAMUEL L.
MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
We won, gentlemen. What do you want me to
do next, considering I'm contractually
obligated to wear this eyepatch like fifty
more times?
SHADOWY POWERS BOOTHE
Well we kind of assumed we'd be the
villains in the sequel, but the credits
stinger seems to indicate it's Thanos.
The guy with the magical glove, really?
SAMUEL L.
MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Yeah, we more or less pulled off the
Skrulls, we can pretty much do anything
now. Even the Ms. Marvel pregnancy
storyline is on the table.
SHADOWY POWERS BOOTHE
Well that just gravels my voice. By the
way Sam, did you watch the movie in 2D or
3D? Ha ha!
The movie proceeds to make ALL OF THE MONEY, pretty much ensuring the
creation of an unbelievably terrible JUSTICE LEAGUE movie.
END...
EDWARD NORTON
Fuck.
END